Francis Ford Coppola is a Dick

Alright, so let me preface this post by making everyone aware, if they aren't already, that I have not seen most of the "classic" films of our time. Now, if a movie came out after 2002 and it's already a "classic," I've probably seen it. Movies from before then I tend not to have seen, simply because it's something I didn't do when I was younger. At that age, I would have much rather watched a ballgame than a movie. While that's still for the most part true...well, I'm older and wiser now. I enjoy a good movie. Over the Christmas holiday period, I saw "The Godfather" for the first time. Last night, I watched "The Godfather: Part II." All I can say is...Francis Ford Coppola is a dick.

Something that REALLY pisses me off is when a movie simply doesn't have an ending. A good example of this is "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest." Not to ruin it, but "Pirates 2" essentially ends with...nothing. There IS no end. You CANNOT watch this film by itself...you HAVE to watch it with the third part of the series. Part three has not been released yet, so as far as I'm concerned, "Pirates 2" has not ended. When "Pirates 3" comes out and my angry crusade against it inevitably falls on deaf ears and I go see it, I will demand to be allowed entry to the theater simply by showing my stub from "Pirates 2." I paid to see that film, and, dammit, I will see the end of it. The end of it happens to also be the end of "Pirates 3." Unless of course they filmed "Pirates 4" already as well, in which case I will drink a gallon of unleaded gasoline.

Now, I understand that they filmed both movies at the same time, but for the love of God, you HAVE to make them watchable on their own. There is no way I can watch this movie by itself.

This brings me to my point about "The Godfather." The most arrogant thing a director can do is end a film with what is essentially a lead-in to that film's sequel. "Oh, I'm the big bad director, my movie is going to be so good it's going to make eleventy billion dollars and everyone will demand a sequel, so hey, let's force them to see that, too." That's just pure, unadulterated cockiness right there. If you haven't seen "The Godfather," skip the next sentence. I personally think the scene at (rather, near) the end where Michael Corleone is at the baptism of his nephew/godson renouncing Satan while his men are assassinating the leaders of all the other mob families in New York as well as other enemies of the family is fantastic. In fact, if that was the end, it would be the greatest film ending of all time. EVER. Nothing would come close. And yet, Mr. Coppola insisted on setting up his sequel by continuing the movie after that. Unnecessary, and just plain arrogant. Now you KNOW there's gonna be a sequel, and now you HAVE to go see it. Bastard.

Now, if the most arrogant thing you can do as a director is end your movie with a lead-in to a sequel, the double-most arrogant thing you can do is REPEAT THE SAME EXACT SEQUENCE in the next movie. At the end of "Part II" (spoiler coming), Michael sits around while more of his thugs kill more people. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!? You already did that, Frankie! Not only is that complete and unadulterated arrogance, it's plagiarism. Copying yourself, being self-referential, is even more arrogant. Francis Ford Coppola might be the most arrogant man in the history of the world, and I want to punch him in the nose. These are things that keep me up at night. Global warming? Eh. War in Iraq? We're there, deal with it. Immigration? Taxes? Famine? Fuhgeddaboudem. I lay awake wondering who the hell Francis Ford Coppola thinks he is. And the only answer I come up with is: he's a dick. And that helps me sleep. That and a lot of pills.