Dinner Table Diatribe

I was talking to my family at dinner the other night (I do that every now and again) about, of all things, cheesecake. See, someone had made some sort of cheesecake-ish concoction out of a mix of some kind. I had no problem with this, and was more than willing to try it. When asked my opinion, I said, and I quote:

"It's fine, but it tastes a little crummy."

What I meant was that the cheesecake had a texture that seemed to indicate that it wasn't mixed completely, like there were crumbs of...something. Now, when you make a cheesecake, and someone tells you it's "crummy"...well, that isn't the first thought that comes to mind.

Anyway, I asked about the ingredients of actual cheesecake, "like when they make it for real" (again, not the best wording, but whatever). I was told the ingredients, most of which are no longer stored in the memory bank. However, my mother listed them, and I got more and more excited as she continued.

"Oh," I said, "there's no sour cream?"

"Oh yeah, probably."

Gaaaaaaah, I KNEW she would say that. Why did I ask? Luckily, she told me soon after that there was no sour cream in the irish potatoes she makes, so that made me feel a little better. For that matter, I don't even know if cheesecake really does have sour cream or not. But that isn't the point. This whole exchange set me off on a rant about the names of food products.

I have a little habit that some see as a bad one. When I'm about to try something new, be it a food or a drink, I always sniff it. If it smells bad, chances are I will not put it in my mouth.

Yeah, I'm gonna leave that sentence in there.

Anyway, I also tend to avoid products with names that make no sense. Sour cream comes to mind. I'm sure there are a number of things I enjoy that contain this victim of poor nomenclature, but looking at a dollop of it makes me sad. When you leave milk sit out for too long, it gets sour. That tends to lead to the throwing away of said milk. Cream is a milk-based product...now you want me to eat something called SOUR cream? Oh hell no, mister.

That led me to think about some other foods that have the most idiotic names. What the hell is "bread" pudding? Think of a piece of bread. Fine and dandy invention. Pudding? Up until the age of 12, I may not have believed that a better creation existed. Chocolate...vanilla...chocolate and vanilla...awesome. But BREAD? Like, is this really the best name for something you want me to eat? I envision putting the pudding powder into the big shaker cup (circa 1988) with some milk, starting to shake it, then taking the lid off and jamming a piece of Stroehmann in there. That is NOT how you make "bread" pudding...so why do we call it that? The same goes for "rice" pudding. Is there seriously rice in there? Even if there is, WHO THE HELL WOULD EAT THAT??

I know, I know, plenty of people. But not me.

There are probably a ton of other food names out there that confound me. I can't think of any right now. Leave YOUR stupid food names in the comments section below.