"Dude, I Think I Peed Next to a Dead Guy."

A few weeks ago, I went to see "Pirates of the Caribbean 3" (or as I called it, "Pirates 2 2") at a local theater. I was there with a small group, and we took our seats right at the start of the previews. Prior to the acquisition of seats, I decided to be the most hardcore moviegoer in the county. That's right, a large blue Icee AND a large Coke!! Balls deep!!! I'm a man, I can handle that. No problem, right?

This would be a good time to mention that the film was two hours and 48 minutes long.

Yeah, that had kinda slipped my mind. Oops?

I have no idea how long I lasted, but eventually, I had to go. Yes, it knocked me down a few pegs on the Man Scale, and yes, it may have been intrusive to a few others, but screw you, "few others," you try keeping in all those ounces of blue raspberry/cola-flavored goodness. I bet you can't.

Anyway, I quickly (and stealthily, by the way...I move like a cat) made my way to the restroom. I walked in to find an empty room, except for one stall in the back that was occupied. I could tell because of a newspaper on the floor next to a pair of feet. I spent no more than 90 seconds in the room, but as I was washing up, I realized that I hadn't heard any noise while I was in there. No paper shuffling, no movement, no grunting, not even any breathing. I looked over and saw the newspaper in the same spot and the feet in the same position (in the future, when you're in the bathroom, don't ever take note of your surroundings; it never ends well). Of course, my mind went right to the worst-case scenario.

"Uh...did I just pee next to a dead guy?"

Needless to say, I made my way out rather quickly, and kept this fact to myself for the rest of the night. Okay, that's a lie. I told everyone. But still...like, I was legitimately concerned about the guy. Not nearly concerned enough to say "Hey bud, you okay?" or "Hey, somebody should check this out." But hey, a man can only care so much. I mean, I paid for my ticket, I had to see the end of the movie, right? Well, assuming there would BE an ending...but I digress.